Cale likes to "race" up and down the stairs. As I mentioned once before he loves to learn new words. So when he learned the word WIN, he's taken every opportunity to put it into practice.
Today he actually pushed me to the side to get up the stairs before me. Ordinarily this wouldn't be an issue, but when I'm carrying one of his infant brothers and a giant basket of laundry it becomes a severe NO-NO!
Losing a race to my son can be a fun defeat.
Losing my mind is not-so-fun.
Sounds a little funny though, huh?
Perhaps one day it will be, but for now - it's not.
When I can't read a bedtime story to my sons because the babies take turns screaming (not being held), it's not funny.
When I'm trying to nurse both babies while the other guys are in the downstairs shower slamming the door in each others faces (clearly trying to break it AND my sanity), it's not funny.
.....
Are you thinking that we should reach out for help? I have.
Tim has taken off so much work to stay home with me. He allows me to sleep with only one baby at night while he takes the other. Friends and family have been so gracious with their time, especially helping out with the bigger boys. But the twins are 9 1/2 weeks old. Of course there'd be a point where we need to take care of our family on our own... ;)
There has been encouragement. There has been joy.
Loads of moments where I look at each of my children and think my heart will explode from overflowing love...
But there has also been tears....pain (both physical and mental)....and anger.
Anger in the fact that my temper is extraordinarily high. Anger that I can't seem to accomplish what I want to get accomplished - and by that I mean basically soothe everyone at the same time.
Severe lack of sleep does not help. Running off 4-5 hours of broken sleep is a terrible form of torture.
I can't be the person I need to be to all the people I need to be it to without energy.
I cling to God's promises each day as I try and make the choice to do a craft instead of loaf on the couch closing my eyes. And very late at night when I would rather sleep in the bathroom on the floor then get up and nurse a baby.
But some trying days, such as today, the devil creeps in. I'm not sure if he has a control on my babies - encouraging them to cry and cry when they aren't being held.
(And folks, remember, I have twins. It's almost completley impossible to both hold and soothe two babies. And it IS impossible to accomplish that while trying to do anything else - because believe me, I've tried.)
Are you wondering if it's all bad?
Of course not.
If you are a facebook friend of mine (and you can be - just ask) you'll see the hundreds of pictures I have of my children. Pictures are happy times. Times of love and pride in my day (at least part of it), my children, and sometimes myself. ;)
It definitely is not all bad. Not at all.
But I can tell you, it IS all challenging.
Each day feels equally like I'm treading water (about to drown), AND an enormous accomplishment just for getting through it.
I need time to fast forward:
........
So, what do I need?
I need time to fast forward:
To a time where the babies sleep longer at night To where their demands aren't sucking the life out of me (literally... ;). To the days where we have this figured out.
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Lack of sleep is killer. It infiltrates every moment and keeps frustration levels high even when you are telling yourself to calm down and enjoy the moment. And I don't have twins keeping me up at night, or crying or nursing.
ReplyDeleteKeep your chin up, girlie-thinking of you and wishing you and your hubbie some shuteye tonight.
Praying for you Katie. I obviously don't have 4 under 4, but I can relate to the 4-5 hours of segmented sleep each night. It's been happening all school year, and it stinks. I know it's really hard. Remember that God will grant you enough grace for each moment... you may not be able to see 4 or 5 or evern 2 steps ahead right now, but I am confident that God will continue to be with you moment by moment. Praying...
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