PB & J

I wrote this post 2 weeks ago. When I tried to post it then, it didn't work. However, today when I came here to write how things have been going, I found this saved draft.

Peanut Butter and Jelly.

A sandwich.

...That's what I feel like these days.

More specifically, a skimpy peanut butter and jelly sandwich....

-Just enough to curb one's appetite (here in the case of my babies, my big boys, and my husband), but not enough to truly satisfy. Each time I leave a part of my family behind it's with a little bit of guilt...

Every day Tim and I play tag as we try to accomplish bonding with the babies, him working and both of us caring for our older two. My mind and heart don't ever seem to settle. My young men are getting less than half of me...and my poor husband gets the leftover scraps.

This is a difficult road I'm on.

And Sundays...

Sundays make it harder. My babies were born 3 weeks ago today. Every Sunday they get a week older - in the NICU.

Don't get me wrong, I know they are being taken care of...and I'm thankful that God has given me some dear nurses to watch over my babies (and me), but when I venture into the outside world (in this case church) I still feel a little alone.

Yes, even with both of my hands being held.

Because, in addition to my hands being held, my babies should be strapped to me, or inside my belly!

But God is good.

I can't forget to say that.

Tim and I were talking the other day and he pointed out that while others (who were due around the same time of me) are still waiting to meet their babies, we have been able to get to know ours for 3 weeks.

It's true...and it's awesome.

The mother in me has a hold in her heart though, no matter where I am. I'm not really posting this so people will feel sorry for me, though prayers are truly appreciated... or to say that I think I'm failing at my hopes of being a perfect mother (because I KNOW such a thing doesn't exist)...just to encapsule my feelings at this point in my life.

I read the most awesome devotional the other day. Here is the line that stuck out:

God tests our faith, so we can rely on his faithfulness.

And he has been faithful. My babies are beautiful, they are getting stronger and we have good insurance that allows them to get the best care possible until they can come home.

My big boys are thriving, they don't seem to be affected by this. On the contrary, their confidence in themselves and our family has blossomed. They are being loved on and loving others.

I cannot say enough good things about my husband. To spare you the mushy gushy feelings I have for him, I'll just say he cannot be matched. :)

One day as my facebook status I wrote: I kiss 5 boys daily.

It's true...and I wouldn't have it any other way.

T & S...part 3

Alright, we're gonna try and plow through Monday thru Thursday (the day I went home).

Most of the days seemed to follow a similar pattern.

I was woken up by some sort of nurse or nurse aid requesting to take my blood pressure, give me medicine or check my insicion.

After that I'd attempt to roll myself out of bed and get washed up for the day. Showering without an IV was easier than with, but I still wasn't totally steady on my feet.

To describe the pain of standing up after having a c-section is kinda difficult (unless you've experienced it - then you know EXACTLY what I mean). A friend of mine called it "lightning pains." YES. It feels like lightning...so sharp and sudden that it burns. When in a comfortable position (as much as you could get), then changing position it feels like you're trying to stretch a spring to the breaking point...like if you go any further you might snap!

It's delightful. ;)

Anyway...after getting dressed, I'd strap myself in my "girdle" (belly band that specifically helps c-section moms) and make my way down to the NICU...which happened to be around the corner from my room. I'd marvel over how beautiful my babies were, as I made small talk with my nurses. That first week of their life they spent as much time in their isolettes as possible. It was explained to me as a calorie count. The nurses tried to do as little as possible to the babies with regards to burning calories. Every calorie saved was great, so holding the babies was short those first few days. I'd return around lunch time (often missing out on the food actually being warm), and then try to rest until later. Tim got to the hospital as much as he could with help from whoever would give it.

Since the babies were naked in their isolettes, when we did take them out, we'd do skin-to-skin. Their little bodies........warm, soft, fragile, tiny...and restricted. SO many attachments!

Even now with a few less items, I long to be able to pick up my babies and walk around with them without a monitor "telling" on me.

There's something about that kind of warmth that comes from a newborn. It's like having a little hot water bottle covered in blankets to hold. I love it. And TWO? Well, I honestly go home feeling cold without them.

Okay, so gosh...I can't seem to remember when they got their IVs out. Or when they were moved to open cribs. My mind is mush.

Well, lets just say that when they got their IVs out, they were able to be dressed...and once they were dressed, that was about the time they were being moved to open cribs because they were able to maintain their body temperature better. I'd like to go out on a limb and say it happened within their first week or so of life.

It's amazingly hard to think that they are already 2 weeks and 3 days old, but have yet to be moved more than 3 feet from their monitors, or come home...or meet Megersa!! (The NICU is strict about children...they are suppose to be 4 years old, though we've brought Cale in 3 times for short visits since his birthday is so close.)

The day I left the hospital was a hard day. I was happy to be able to go home and see Tim, Cale & Megersa on a regular basis and to be able to sleep in my own bed, but totally unhappy to be leaving my babies there. It's unnatural, wouldn't you say? Who gives birth to children and leaves them? I cried on the way home...partly from the physical pain I was in, but mostly because of the emotional pain.

I'm pretty sure I've cried every day since...but that's for another post... ;)

Every day since I've been able to get over to the hospital for several hours...watching my babies grow in bits in peices of scheduled time. I'm not there enough. But I'm not home enough. Someone asked me what it's like to have 4 kids. I can't say I can answer that person correctly. Because for the time being, I feel like I have 2 and 2. Yes, I'm aware that it adds up to four, but I have yet to experience all my boys in the same setting, so it doesn't feel like I have 4.

I cannot say enough wonderful things about Tim during this part of our lives.

He seems to understand exactly how I'm feeling. He allows me to choose the amount of time I spend, and where I need to spend it. He's been letting me sleep in, and picking up the enormous slack I've been leaving behind when I leave. He's been a solid rock.

He hasn't complained once. On the contrary, he's been constantly postive and encouraging.

I'm falling in love all over again...if only we had the time to date again. ;)

So, the days since my homecoming have looked relatively the same. Spending the morning/early afternoon at the NICU, coming home, playing with the boys, dinner, bedtime, and back to the NICU. It's extremely hard being spread so thin....

But, before I turn on the water works again, I'll stop and just post pictures of my babies:

Shepherd dressed in clothes for the first time!

Baby Thaddeus dressed in clothes! The babies reunited with some skin-to-skin contact with Mommy.OPEN CRIBS!! (easy-access to our babes!)

arrival of the twins: pt 2

So, where did I leave off?

Recovery?

Yes. And I'm going to try to speed it up as much as I can. I'm having the hardest time finding time for everything.......

So, my babies were whisked away. Tim was gone and I was left on the operating table to be sewn back together (grosse visual image, but correct nonetheless).

I tried hard to remember their faces as I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. Remember folks, it was 4 in the morning, and I had been up all night.

Sleep didn't come because several people kept nudging me to see if I was okay...

Once the procedure was done, I was rolled onto a hospital bed and taken to the recovery room. There my blood pressure was taken and I was hooked onto monitors.

Apparently my body temperature had dropped to 97 degrees during the surgery, so the nurses in recovery spent an hour and a half getting it back up to normal. I think I had about 6 blankets on me as well as a plastic bag with hot air blowing into it. Even with all of this I was still shaking from being so cold (honestly though, I didn't really feel it because I was numb from my chest down). My heart rate danced around as well, so that was another thing that needed to go back to normal before I could see my babies.

Time passed...we waited for any kind of info on the boys.

The nurse came in and asked us if we wanted to know what they weighed.

Yes, of course!

Thaddeus, baby A came in at 4lbs, 4 oz.

Shepherd, baby B was an even 4lbs.

More time passed.

The neonatologist came in to speak with us. He had a VERY thick accent so it was difficult understanding what he was telling us (plus I was loopy from the meds, the shakes and being so dang tired...). I made out that the boys both needed help breathing. Thad had a Cpap machine, so he was doing a bit better than Shepherd who had a ventilator breathing for him. They both were given surfactant to help their lungs develop (and not stick together), antibiotics, and IVs with vitamins and fats pouring into them.

About 6am (still no sleep)...I was wheeled in my bed to see the boys. It was surreal. There they were, so tiny...with all kinds of wires hooked up to them. I couldn't really touch them because so much was going on. I understood that they needed all the help the nurses and doctors were giving them and that it was best not to linger...but it still was painful when I was told it was time to go.

Thaddeus:Shepherd:

Once wheeled into my room, Tim made me as comfortable as I could be (pain increasing as the spinal block wore off). I was also hooked up to IVs and monitors, without a fan...so the chances of me sleeping were slim to none.

Tim went home shortly after to get the boys up and dressed and ready for church. A friend of ours volunteered to take them for the entire day. She has 2 boys that are our boys ages, so it was just wonderful to pass them off knowing they'd have fun and would be well taken care of.

Tim came back around 10:30a or so and brought me all the things on the "list" I had texted him. He went back home to sleep.

I think I tried to sleep for awhile. I can't remember if I did. I'm thinking barely if at all. Nurses, doctors, room service, nurse aids, and every other member of the circus came in (seemed like!), so it was hard to doze off even for a few minutes. I did perk up when a lady dressed in blue scrubs introduced herself as "one of the neonatologists" came in.

She told me both boys were breathing on their own!!!

I ALMOST CRIED!

Really?? I asked.

She confirmed again, and said that they only had nasal canulas to puff air in their noses to help remind them to continue breathing. What a relief! I texted Tim and told him to hurry up and come back over because they were gonna let us see them again!!

At this point I'm still in only a gown. Not my idea of fun, so I requested very nicely ;) to have pants and underwear put on. The nurse aid explained that it'd be a little more difficult because of my foley catheter. But hey, I was a nurse aid for several years. I know how to do it...I helped her as much as possible, but I felt so much better being at least half clothed before seeing my babies.

They made the first transfer for me into the wheelchair.

Oh, so much pain...but I wasn't gonna complain and have them suggest I stay behind for awhile longer. Still being hooked up to an IV pole (which Tim pushed behind me), I was wheeled in to see my babies.

They looked so much better than the last time. Still so helpless, but stronger somehow.

Thad:Shepherd:They lowered each of the isolettes so I could put my hands in and touch their tiny naked bodies. Both were in insolettes to help them stay warm (because they were unable to keep their body temperature up themselves)...and both were asleep.

We spent a little longer looking over them and talking about their differences, but then we went back to my room.

(Time of day is already lost in my head, but I'm thinking it was mid-afternoon on Sunday at this point). Tim stayed with me until around 7pm when he went to pick up the boys. And because I was so tired at that point, I did nothing but try to sleep.

I TRIED.

Nurses again, though not as often as those first few hours, came to interrupt my sleep.

At 10p I needed meds. At 12a I needed more meds, and my catheter came out. At 4am, more meds, and my first trip to the bathroom (excruciating pain accompained this first walk by the way). At 6a my 2nd IV was taken out. At 7, blood pressure check with the nurse shift change.

I did manage to get some sleep in between, and felt better than I had for the past 48 hours.

So, that completes Sunday.

Next blog post, I will try to push through most of my hospital stay. My brain is already foggy on those events, but so many tiny accomplishments happened that I will try my best to relive and log away.

A tale of two Twinkies...pt 1

THE TWINS ARE HERE!!

They've actually been here for almost a week!

Last Saturday morning I had some contractions...nothing out of the norm for me at that point. I had been having contractions irregularly for weeks at that point.

Around lunch though, they started to become a little more regular....about every 10 minutes.

I took some of my medicine (to stop contractions) and tried to take a short nap. When I woke up they seemed to have subsided, so I thought we were in the clear. However, I was wrong. The contractions picked back up after dinner time, and after the boys bedtime I was charting them every 7 minutes. Tim and I were watching TV and he could see that I was making faces and holding my breath, so he asked me what was wrong. With nervous laughter I told him that I was having real contractions, but it was okay. I'd be fine. He got out his computer and told me it sounded like I needed to get to the hospital.

Again I resisted and took another pill to see if it could stop the contractions.

I went to bed and fell asleep after 11.

Then awoke to some very real contractions. I watched the clock for an hour...

They arrived every 5 minutes...then every 4....I figured this was the real thing. I changed my clothes, went to the bathroom, and grabbed a few essentials (like toothbrush/paste). I woke Tim up. He asked me "Did your water break?"

Not yet. It was bulging though...it had been for about a week.

We didn't call an ambulance. I decided to drive myself. (Yes, with contractions every 3 minutes.) The boys were dead asleep...this was about 2 in the morning.

The drive went alright. I had several contractions on the way over, but most came at stop lights. I parked at the ER...stopped twice to hunch over with more contractions and walked in.

I was put in a wheelchair and taken to Labor and Delivery registration.

The women observed me as I contracted and told me that I shouldn't be holding my breath...I needed to breathe through them (who knew? I had a C-section with Cale and didn't really labor with him.)....

When she was done I was wheeled back to L&D Triage.

There my nurse Jen (I had MANY different Jen nurses) hooked me up to monitors. The babies heart rates were good, and those were real contractions I was having. Every 1-2 minutes.

Jen called the Doctor and got the order to check my cervix for dilation.

She did and then she called the Doctor back - I could hear some of the one-sided conversation. "She's very far dilated, but the bag of water is RIGHT there, and I'm afraid it'll burst, will you come and check it completely?"

The doctor arrived shortly after. Checked and immediately said "You're at 8cm." We have to do a C-section right now.

NOW!? Tim was at home with the boys...

She asked me "How fast can your husband get here?" Well, we lived 10 minutes away and needed to wake someone up to come and stay with the boys while they slept.

"How much time do we have?"

About 20 minutes.

Just like that she was gone to the ER to scrub up.

There was a mad rush of different people coming in and giving me IVs, having me sign consent forms...I talked to the anesthesiologist and had to drink something extremely bitter to minimize the acid in my stomach so I didn't throw up. (The drink itself almost made me!)

My nurse left to scrub up, and I met two new transport people that wheeled me into the Operating room. As I got my spinal I started to worry that Tim wasn't gonna make it. He had called our friend Alicia and I knew she wouldn't diddle around, but she lived 10 minutes from our house....if there was even a hesitation of a few minutes, he may miss the birth!

But like music to my ears, as they layed me back (completely numb) they said that Tim was suiting up...and in about a minute, came in.

Then they started. I don't remember there being as much pressure as there was with Cale, but was more focused on waiting to hear their little cries. Baby A arrived 3:53am. It was Thad, I could tell...he was transverse (lying right below my ribs) so once he was out, I felt like I could finally breathe again. It seemed like forever, but was really only a matter of a few seconds before he started crying. This tiny little beautiful cry. They wrapped him up and brought him over for a few seconds before whisking him off to the NICU.

Just after that, I heard the doctor announce that Shepherd would be coming breech. He was, after all, in my canal. They said he was holding onto something...maybe his umbilical cord? It worried me for a split second until they called out 3:55am, Baby B, a boy.

Shepherd cried right away. They wrapped him up and I got to touch him briefly before he was taken to the NICU.

They were both out. Beautiful, tiny little boys.

Tim was ushered away and I was left to be sewn back together.

All I could think about was looking at my babies again, and I prayed they were okay.

Thaddeus Drew Nester

born at 3:53, Sunday, February 27, 2011

weighing 4 lbs, 4 oz

measuring 17 1/2 inches long

Baby B

Shepherd Kingston Nester

born at 3:55am, Sunday, February 27, 2011

weighing 4lbs

measuring 17 3/4 inches long