PB & J

I wrote this post 2 weeks ago. When I tried to post it then, it didn't work. However, today when I came here to write how things have been going, I found this saved draft.

Peanut Butter and Jelly.

A sandwich.

...That's what I feel like these days.

More specifically, a skimpy peanut butter and jelly sandwich....

-Just enough to curb one's appetite (here in the case of my babies, my big boys, and my husband), but not enough to truly satisfy. Each time I leave a part of my family behind it's with a little bit of guilt...

Every day Tim and I play tag as we try to accomplish bonding with the babies, him working and both of us caring for our older two. My mind and heart don't ever seem to settle. My young men are getting less than half of me...and my poor husband gets the leftover scraps.

This is a difficult road I'm on.

And Sundays...

Sundays make it harder. My babies were born 3 weeks ago today. Every Sunday they get a week older - in the NICU.

Don't get me wrong, I know they are being taken care of...and I'm thankful that God has given me some dear nurses to watch over my babies (and me), but when I venture into the outside world (in this case church) I still feel a little alone.

Yes, even with both of my hands being held.

Because, in addition to my hands being held, my babies should be strapped to me, or inside my belly!

But God is good.

I can't forget to say that.

Tim and I were talking the other day and he pointed out that while others (who were due around the same time of me) are still waiting to meet their babies, we have been able to get to know ours for 3 weeks.

It's true...and it's awesome.

The mother in me has a hold in her heart though, no matter where I am. I'm not really posting this so people will feel sorry for me, though prayers are truly appreciated... or to say that I think I'm failing at my hopes of being a perfect mother (because I KNOW such a thing doesn't exist)...just to encapsule my feelings at this point in my life.

I read the most awesome devotional the other day. Here is the line that stuck out:

God tests our faith, so we can rely on his faithfulness.

And he has been faithful. My babies are beautiful, they are getting stronger and we have good insurance that allows them to get the best care possible until they can come home.

My big boys are thriving, they don't seem to be affected by this. On the contrary, their confidence in themselves and our family has blossomed. They are being loved on and loving others.

I cannot say enough good things about my husband. To spare you the mushy gushy feelings I have for him, I'll just say he cannot be matched. :)

One day as my facebook status I wrote: I kiss 5 boys daily.

It's true...and I wouldn't have it any other way.